I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
