i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
