One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
