Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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