this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
