Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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