Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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