am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize