no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There's always time for handjobs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
