my phone needs a breathalizer
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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