....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
