we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize