I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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