If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i dont even know how to be here
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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