i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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