I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
