I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I cannot find my penis.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
