areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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