life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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