Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize