The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
