My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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