Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
