No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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