Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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