I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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