It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize