I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
