there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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