some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
