i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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