Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
