Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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