The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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