I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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