Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
