am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's shark week go big or go home
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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