i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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