I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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