Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
