Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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