Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
