I faked an abortion last night.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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