btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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