Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
