I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
