mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
