I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
