When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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