I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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