My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am available for nakedness
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
