I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
