God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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