Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
