People with herpes should wear stickers.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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